Since the beginning of my sophomore year, the biggest thing that had always been lingering around in my mind is the level of my and everyone’s maturity. From freshman to sophomore year, I forced myself to grow up faster than I would have to keep up with the high expectations that came with the one thing that I fell in love with the most. Since that “talk”, I’ve worked my ass off to get rid of my reputation as the girl who “can’t take anything seriously”. Every move I made, I always asked myself, “is this the mature thing to do?”
I realize I do and may still seem like all I care about is having fun and going the easy way out, but trust me: my intentions are so much more different now. I was carefree, I was all over the place, I was joyed with everyone and their actions clueless of what I came off as to them.
Today, I’m still hyper and all the same, but I don’t enjoy myself anymore. I always have to watch out. I’ve stopped myself a thousand times from doing crazy things I would’ve freshman year. Every little move, I talk to myself “Nelssy, that wasn’t so mature at all”, “Nelssy, are you sure this is mature?”
Every time I party and drink and smoke, the one thing that always keeps me from completely enjoying the experience is the worry that it is not the mature thing to do. Every time I grabbed a cup, I always felt something. That it ain’t quite right.
The people I associate myself with today. I ask myself everyday, are they matured enough?
Every tweets Ive posted, I look back to them, looking at every single one, did those tweets sound mature? If not, I regret them, and deleted them.
And every time, someone follows my directions, it gives me this awesome feeling. Something so small, yet makes me feel like they respect me enough to listen.
And now I look back to the things I’ve said and done towards the people I hated. I tell myself, “that was not mature at all”.

I don’t where I’m going with this.
I guess what I’m just trying to conclude to is that maybe I don’t know the true meaning of being mature at all.
Does it mean not to be hyper? Not to be all over the place? Not smile all the time? Not gossip? Not drink? Not get caught up in these teenage love affairs? Not to care about things that kids worry about? Not to play games? Not to tweet subliminal stuff? Not to not talk to a person straight up?
How is a person considered mature? That’s what I always ask myself every day.
All I know is, I’m trying really hard to be mature.
And sometimes, I even wonder, why do I care so much?
Sometimes, I think, why am I trying to grow up when I’m gon miss being young?
Then, already I feel like I forgot what it feels like to be innocent. I know so much about sex and drugs and politics now that I can’t ever bring back those days where I didn’t care about anything.

Now, I’m just wondering, is posting your incomplete thoughts on a blog a mature thing to do?
If not. Fuck.

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